The Slow-Motion Funeral Pyre of Silicon Valley
Do you remember when the tech industry was the best place to be? If you looked closely enough, coding bootcamps, stock options, and open-plan offices looked a lot like Willy Wonka’s factory, except instead of rivers of chocolate, there were LaCroix fountains. Now, it doesn’t feel like “innovation wonderland” anymore; it feels more like the gradual death rattle of a cooperative project that no one wanted to show off.
Are there layoffs? All over. Start-ups? Falling apart faster than your promise to get sober in January. Investors in new businesses? They cried into their quinoa bowls because AI startups were just as unreliable as crypto bros who promised Lambos in 2017.
Is the tech industry going to die? Yes, lol. But let’s be honest: it’s too nasty to just go away peacefully. Get your expensive Starbucks (and make sure to tip the barista because they are more recession-proof than you are), and let’s break this gorgeous dumpster fire apart.
Layoffs are the new free lunch.
Welcome to the new office benefit: being laid off.
Do you remember when working in tech meant free beer, company gear, and kombucha on tap? A cardboard box for your desk clutter and a LinkedIn post about “new beginnings” are now the most popular benefits.
It seems like tech corporations are firing individuals like it’s a sport. You can name any company, like Meta, Google, or Amazon. Well done, Karen. You spent six years “optimizing user engagement,” and now you’re changing the size of your résumé font.
This is the vibe:
Unlimited PTO in 2019!
2020: Work from home for good!
There will be mass layoffs in 2022, but don’t worry; we still have casual Fridays. 2025: Good job! You’re performing your job and the jobs of the three people we let go last week! And every CEO apology email opens with “This was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make,” even though they get a $40 million exit bonus. What was the hardest choice? More like whatever color of boat goes with your Patagonia vest.
Now is the time for startups With 93% More Crazy Ideas
In the past, the word “startup” indicated smart, scrappy people working hard in garages to “change the world.” Now it means two guys in dad shoes presenting a software that does the same thing as DoorDash but worse.
The tech cemetery is higher than the Jira backlog:
App that promises Tinder for dog walkers. Dead.
A new company is selling NFTs of sandwiches. Gone.
Venture-backed scooter firm says they won’t be set on fire this time. Also dead. In 2025, the only thing startups will be messing up is your capacity to listen through another TEDx talk about “failing forward.”
Investors are also starting to get it. It turns out that putting $10 million on an app that makes drinking water fun isn’t a good long-term plan. Who would have thought? (Everyone knew.)
Most startups don’t start out with the goal of “changing the world.” They were born to change PowerPoint pitch decks till they get a Series A.
Big Tech, Bigger Issues
You think that only new businesses are going to die in this industry? HA. Let’s talk about the big guys. Google. Apple. Amazon. The “untouchables,” as they are termed. Spoiler alert: they’re also bleeding.
Google has canceled more products than you’ve had bad dates on Tinder. (RIP Google Reader, I still miss you, king.) Apple keeps offering us $900 phones that accomplish the same things as last year’s phones, but with an extra camera so you can take too many pictures of your latte. What about Amazon? They went all out with Black Mirror and hired robots to do the work of the same warehouse workers they paid so little that they couldn’t afford to live. And don’t even get me started on Facebook, or Meta, the corporation that put all of the internet’s rationality on the metaverse. What will tech be like in the future? Nope. Mark Zuckerberg’s haunted Sims game has poorer graphics than a Nintendo Wii.
The AI Gold Rush: A Spoiler It is Fool’s Gold
AI is the word that every tech dude loves to use right now. People are encouraged to think that it’s The One, the savior, the shiny thing that draws investors out of their bunkers. But it’s mostly just hot air with a fancy autocomplete added on.
Yes, AI can do some really clever tricks. Hey, Mom, I wrote a sonnet about Bitcoin in iambic pentameter. But when it comes to producing real money? The crickets start. “AI-powered” is what every new business is now. They added ChatGPT to their product and hoped investors wouldn’t notice. What about corporate America? They’re busily getting rid of junior workers and replacing them with “AI solutions,” which are just fancy, slow chatbots that crash harder than Windows Vista.
We shouldn’t fool ourselves: the “AI revolution” isn’t taking employment away yet. It’s just taking away the dignity of interns everywhere.
Remote Work Hype, Now Fueled by Sadness
Do you remember when working from home was a dream? Pajamas, flexible hours, and no need to drive. Fast forward: your kitchen table is now your office, and your roommate is a loud, unpaid coworker who consumes your nut butter.
Tech offered us the dream of “hybrid culture,” but what they gave us is: Zoom fatigue so bad that your eyes should get hazard pay.
Bosses are using “collaboration tools” to micromanage in real time.
Slack alerts are proliferating like bunnies that are stressed out.
Oh, and don’t forget that “we’re a family” is always being said while half of your “family” gets laid off in a Slack channel.
What if you sold your soul to capitalism and couldn’t even have a lovely office puppy named Pixel?
Conclusion: Congratulations, you’re now the canary in the silicon coal mine. So yeah, the software industry is dying, but not with a bang. Instead, it’s dying with an excruciatingly awkward LinkedIn post that celebrates “new opportunities” while you file for unemployment. But at least now we can stop pretending that tech is a paradise of new ideas and recognize that it’s just another bloated empire that is killing itself over poor IPOs and even worse Slack emoticons.
If you read this whole diatribe, congratulations! You have more patience than most IT CEOs had for their own approach for keeping employees. Good luck out there, prospective change-maker. I hope your startup fails quickly and you get free LaCroix in your severance settlement.
